Dotty here….

Well I have snuck onto Harold’s blog, tried so many different passwords and I hope a few of you get to read this before he does and probably takes it down.I know his password had the word shit in it but trying to guess the rest, hope they don’t get recorded anywhere so here are a few of the ones I tried.

Iknownoshit / Ivegotashittyarse / I’mupsh1tcr44k

And finally yes got it – ‘SH1TSTORM’, but don’t tell him I told you

Kicking up a storm

Anyway I’ll tell you what not impressed to say the least, he never consulted with me at all on having a conversation with Kevin the Kidney, how dare he publish a whole load of crap. Not one of those sentences left my mouth and I would never have said

‘Some People are just beautifully wrapped bags of Shit’ and that’s just who you are., but I suggest you do the ‘manly’ thing and speak to Kevin as ‘Asshole’ to ‘Kidney’

What I would have said was

‘Kevin the Kidney’ is right your a complete Asshole, you treated him in like a right royal pillock and I don’t blame him for putting you straight, why shouldn’t he have a bit fun for once. You’ve had many a fling and ‘Kevin the Kidney’ is right – good on him

And did you know…

Harold does have another little friend , well its more than a friend really it’s his twin sister whom he has failed to ever even mention, , they are not identical well how can they be if hes male (and fall of shit) and she’s female, but I’m going to tell you all a litte bit about her.

Her name is…

Matilda and here she is with ‘Harold’. I took this while he was sleeping – he’ll be fuming

So I’ll tell you a little bit about Matilda, she is very meek and mild and doesn’t really do much (unlike ‘Harold’) she spits a bit every now and again (I know not very ladylike but its part of her charm and condition) and they have been together since birth. I suppose in reality they are conjoined twins joined at the neck.

Anyway I best go Harold is due a feed shortly and will be waking up and don’t want him to catch me on his Blog but I’ll end with this little ditto today

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

And remember family and Friends are Everything….

I Don’t Believe it…

Well, who’d have thought it, ‘Kevin the Kidney’ and ‘Samuel the Stent’ have only gone and fallen for each other. I feel like I’ve been shit on from a great height. I know I’m covered in shit most days but this just feels like a betrayal of the worst kind. How could they, how dare they, will life ever be the same.

I’ve cried many a tear this last week playing this ‘Tears on My Pillow’ over and over – what am I to do.

I’ve got to pull myself together

So what am I to do, my only solace is I have still have Dotty, so I asked for her wisdom once again. Dotty’s Words to me summed it up beautifully – how can I ever thank her. She Said ‘Some People are just beautifully wrapped bags of Shit’ and that’s just who you are., but I suggest you do the ‘manly’ thing and speak to Kevin as ‘Asshole’ to ‘Kidney’ and so begins the prep. Not being very good at these things I decided to do some prep!

And so I took the plunge and commenced

‘The Interview’ prepped with a voddy and pineapple to set the mood

‘Harold’ – So you think you’ve found love Kevin – What does it feel like?

‘Kevin the Kidney’ – I didn’t know what love felt like until he filled my heart with pieces of himself.

I’ve never know such a fullness, an ocean of feelings overflowing into the emptiest part of me

‘Harold’ – Really but what about the ‘Friendship and Love’ we had and have shared over the past 3 years does all that count for nothing?

‘Kevin the Kidney’ – Who are you kidding ‘Harold’ with the long line of ‘Loves’ you’ve had over the past 3 years including ‘Hilda the Nephrostomy’ ‘Hermonie’ – your piss head of a buddy who was another bag of nerves filled with pee and who was in cahoots with Hilda (little did you know that) ‘Sarah the Stent’ , and not forgetting Bloody ‘Princess Stephanie of the Stent’ – they’ve all come and gone and I’ve always taken you back every time and I’ve been the only constant in your life, never leaving you insides from the first day we met.

Even ‘Leggy’ the large intestine left you along with ‘Fanny’ , ‘Olive the Ovary’ and ‘Phil and Phyllis the Fallopian tubes – they all gone.

So it my turn now

No more Harold – I’m done with you Sammy is now my new beau

‘Harold’ – Well who’d have thought it, I admire your strength and character Kevin, lets remain friends after all we are neighbours and I know you’ll never leave my insides. I’ll move on and thank you for being so frank’

And finally Kevin did no more than give me a few verses of this!!!

Here We Go Again…Lock-down Part 3

Well I must admit its been a long time since I’ve written to my devoted audience of ‘shit followers’ (no pun intended) but you know we love you all.

It been an incredibly boring 9 months since I last wrote although naughty ‘Christopher the Cancer’ got a little bit flirty and decided to put on a bit of weight (think its all to do with stuffing our faces during lock down if I’m honest) and he’s grown a a bit. So we’ve had another round of scientific shit called ‘Carbo’ which has again done the trick and nothing measurable left at this time so Christopher can ‘DO ONE’ so to speak for the time being.

‘Princess Stephanie of the Stent’ however has had others ideas. Princess indeed trying to get her own way. Tantrums isn’t in it, 10 weeks of it, well Dotty and I have decided enough is enough she can go, she’s lasted longer than most (thought I might inherit her millions (but she made me sign a pre-nup cow)

So Dotty has done her magic, had a HOT CLINIC appointment and only gone and got herself a cancellation on Tuesday for the ‘Supreme Court to EVICT Stephanie. Princess or not , she can’t pull the wool over our eyes. The ‘have sided with Dotty and I and have agreed to an annulment so ‘Stephanie’ is off. We haven’t made millions but we will be content with her gone but because shes been so naughty the upshot is we have plenty of TENA Ladies to sell on the Black Market ££££££££££

  • OUT
  • OUT
  • OUT
  • GONE

Now as you all know shes’s got to be replaced either way, so Dotty and I have has a very serious conversation about who should replace her.

So we think this time we’ll go for Samuel and see if the male species can behave any better than the female species, I’m sure time will tell.

And finally, my lovely next door but one neighbour ‘Kevin the Kidney’ has continued to support Dotty and I through lock-down. Hes been very fruitful providing us with regular trips to various watering holes and whilst Dotty would be more impressed with those being a range of Public House were sad to report it been mainly the local weeing establishments in various joints at local venues including her own her friends at T-Birds Bar and that’s about it.

So that’s it for now , hopefully this blog finds you all well and feel free to like me and Dotty and remember our Motto

‘Always look on the Bright side of Life’

Lockdown Continues…

Well its all been a bit quiet to say the least. Sarah and I have been behaving and so theirs nothing much to write about at the moment. Which is a good thing really as it means Dotty is well.

Everything is fine and Dandy

I do know however in these times its hard to be social but Dotty has something planned for the weekend. She’s planning a surprise pub crawl for Dave as a special treat and is ‘Looking for Recommendations and Taxi Prices’

Dotty is planning a pub crawl on Friday night and is looking for taxi prices ££££. They will be leaving at 6.30pm and are starting out at ‘The Living Room Arms’ this pub usually hosts a good sports package, not sure if there will be anything sporty on on Friday but hey ho.

They will then working their way to ‘The Comfy Couch’ which is a little way from the ‘The Living Room Arms’ but is situated north in the ‘Kitchen Area’

They are then going to becoming back on themselves to Cotty’s Bar where no doubt they will probably spend most of there evening as it has a games room including a pool table, darts and they do a mean cocktail in there.

Finally we they will go for their final drink in ‘The Bedroom Bar’. I know that sounds mad but your always a bit peckish on the way home and can pick up something to eat there.

Lets hope its successful and always remembers Dotty catch line ‘Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life’

Harold’s London Adventure

The weekend started started off well, a pleasant train 🚄 journey down to London, quiet but pleasant, not many masks to be seen but then not many people either. Arriving at 1.30pm a dognut 🍩and a nice cup of tea 🍵 to start, just talking pleasantry’s and reminiscing about old school friends 👨‍💻👨‍🎓👱‍♀️👩‍🚀🧝‍♀️🧝‍♂️ and nights out, all very calm, but then as 6pm drew near I could hear, see feel menance in Dottys voice 🤪🤯 and body language, it was like Dotty didn’t want me to be my usual wet liquidy self. Sarah had been practising her pelvic floor and playing nice but then she drugged me. YES I can’t believe it to either DRUGGED ME out came the packet of purple and green tablets 🍆🍏(Loperimide)and 2 went pop into her hand, I could see her reaching for the bottle 🍼(only water for now) and without another thought there they were in her mouth, the gulp of water came and down they went. It didnt take long for them to subdue me, 😟 but much more than that I knew what was coming, Sarah seemed excited 😍🤗🤩 but it was all new to her, little didn’t she know what she had been practising for. To be continued……

Sarah the Stent

If you’ve read my section ‘A Chapter of my Life from October 2019’ you will already know ‘Sarah the Stent’ was born into me on Tuesday 11th February 2020 after the expulsion of ‘Hilda’

So here I am to tell of her birth and story so far.

She’s a quiet curly little tube much shorter and slimmer that ‘Stan the Stent’ who rented a space previously through my ureter but then ladies are usually much more petite than their male counterparts.

‘Sarah the Stent’

She’s renting a space currently, unlike me who was renting for a time but now I’m a fully paid up owner / occupier (Mortgage free) on ‘Dotty’

She hasn’t signed a rental agreement and is just paying on a weekly basis at the moment and you know me sometimes it doesn’t take much for me to decide it’s time to go. I’ve never been very accommodating, but I think as I grow older, I will learn to be, let’s face it none of us are getting any younger

I don’t see or hear much from her and she doesn’t speak much but ‘She can be a bit of a dribbler at times’ and I’m not talking football either’ but we are learning to cope with her. (The Big Knickers help)

 I do know however, she is energetic and loves practising ‘pelvic floor exercises’ to strengthen her muscles at least 2 or 3 times a day. She hasn’t divulged what she’s training for just yet but I’m hoping it might be a marathon. Not the sort of 26-mile marathon but the type of marathon when ‘Dotty’ goes out to have a few drinks she’s able to hold herself.

I’m sure well hear a bit more from her in the future but for now we’ll say ‘Au Revoir’ to her and catch up again soon.

‘No Shit Sherlock’

So a Few weeks ago it’s was my 2nd birthday to be precise, on 25th January 2020.

So being the kind young Stoma I am I thought I’d give ‘Dotty ‘ a surprise and boy what a surprise it was – well I was about hit the ‘Terrible 2’s’. It was Friday 24th January 2020 and Dotty was working in the Office.

So, there she was minding her own business, she had participated in the customary ‘Breakfast Run’ she’d had ‘Bacon on Toast’ on ‘White’ so no alarms bells where ringing at this point. The food was low fibre, and all was good. But little did she know about that new snack she was about to try for her mid-morning snack, yes this was to be my finest hour yet. I started grumbling, the noises getting LOUDER AND LOUDER. What was about to happen was nothing short of a miracle. I continued to grumble UNTIL

YES I’d done it, with the mightiest BANG POP FIZZ I exploded right there in the middle of the Office

FAME at last, everyone in the Office knew what I’d done as ‘Dotty’ squealed ‘SHIT HAROLD’S EXPLODED’. All what I could muster up running down her leg (good job she had trousers on)

Little did I know but apart from the squeal nothing phased Dotty – she bobbed off to the loo, rags in hand and stuffed them down her trousers, closing her PC, and off she went, home to clean up.

Her lovely team cleaning away her lunch dishes, the lovely hubster running her a bath for when arrived home and her new boss who must of thought ‘This woman is BARKING’

An hour later she was logged back on and back into the swing of things. It clearly didn’t upset her as per the following day she went out to celebrate my actual birthday. A few cocktails at Turtle Bay then onto ‘Concert Square for eats and more drinks.

Living with Dotty – a verse or two

A few lines on what it’s like to live with me Dotty Cotty

I woke up on a woman
She didn’t seem that pleased
 I caused her lots of problems
Especially when she sneezed
I show her my annoyance
That I was also taken from
The place that I was happy
Connected to her bum
We decided on a truce from then
We would both then do our part
She would do the cleaning
And I would help her poo depart
She cleans me very carefully
With different creams and sprays
If she does it properly
My bag will last for days
I can’t help being naughty though
Especially when she sleeps
I will fill the bag with lots of poop
And that is when she sleeps
She jumps up out of bed and shouts
You’re such a bleep bleep bleep
You have done this one too often
And disturbed my sleep
I decided to be nice for once
And stopped my messy play
I was very tired myself of course
I’d had a busy day
She eats things that turn runny
And things that can be red
She eats things that are smelly
And wonders why I smell
There are times though that she likes me
When I act all sweet and cute
She will let me shower
 In nothing but my but suit
I relish in the freedom
I love the clean fresh smell
The foamy soft light bubbles
Make me poo and fart so well
I know she doesn’t mind this
As long as I keep it zipped
When she steps outside the shower
I am meant to stay tight lipped
No pooping on the towel
No pooping on the floor
I’m to keep my side of the bargain
And not poop on the floor
Then she will keep me in the open
And let me play outside
While she finishes her ablutions
I do not have to hide
Just when she thinks she’s done it
And got me under wraps I
 do what I do best of course
And we fall out once again…